Error In Judgment
by Arvidius
Summary: The Hylian Supreme Court is in session, and the first case on the docket could determine the fate of the cosmos-or at least the fate of a homeowner's association. One-shot. Read, review, and enjoy!


**Author's Note: I decided to try something new: a Legend of Zelda legal comedy. Read, review, and enjoy.**

_Error in Judgment_

_Case # 1_

_Lyon's of Hyrule vs. "the Goddesses" et. al._

[*]

"This court is now in session!" The black and purple robed hulk of beard and muscle bellowed as he levied the large gavel against the sound block—sending a thunderous echo throughout the cavernous courtroom of the Hylian Supreme Court. Chief Justice Error exhaled impatiently as he gathered his robes and took his seat.

"First case?" He asked of the towering bailiff standing to the right of the judge's bench.

The bailiff mumbled as his eyes scanned the docket, "Lyon's of Hyrule versus the Goddesses Nayru, Farore, and Din, Judge Error."

Error propped his already bored face on palm. "Bring in the parties."

The oaken double doors located in the rear of the courtroom parted as an immaculately dressed man with a luxurious handlebar mustache stalked in—his long, hook nose directed skyward and his eyes closed to thin slits. He was pursued, with equal ostentation, by a cadre of three women bathed in a brilliant iridescent glow. Both "Mustache" and the three seemingly irradiated women took seats at their respective tables.

Error stroked the long curls of his thick beard as he scanned the parties' legal briefs outlining their respective complaints and defenses. Taking a sip from the flask of whiskey he had carefully hidden under his robes, he gestured towards the mustached man who now stood rigidly at attention.

"Why are you in my courtroom, son?"

Mustache grinned underneath his prickly facial hair and bowed low. "Thank you, your honor. I am General Counsel for Lyon's of Hyrule, Mister—"

Error yawned. "Whatever." Mustached grimaced briefly before Error continued, "You've filed this lawsuit in response to damages you suffered in the case Castleton Homeowner's Association vs. Lyon's of Hyrule, correct?"

"Quite, your honor."

"Why don't you tell me about that?"

"Yes, Lyon's of Hyrule was an insurer for all homes in the Castleton Homeowner's Association with combined policy coverage of some twenty billion rupees. Unfortunately, the Great Flood spread across most of the inhabitable land in Hyrule causing a total loss for all homeowners within the association. We made it quite clear that first, Lyon's of Hyrule does not cover losses incurred by flood, and second that this is an issue of _force majeur_—an act of the Goddesses—which is not covered in any of our insurance agreements."

Error lazily extended a palm, bidding Mustache to be silent. "And so the lower court still held in equity that you owed the full value of the policy to the homeowners."

Mustache nodded nervously. "Yes, your honor. The survivors of the Great Flood immediately sued. Unfortunately, Lyon's of Hyrule had just finished paying ten consecutive life insurance policies on a hero who was able to self-revive, so our company was quite strapped for capital. The homeowners won their judgment and Lyon's was forced to nearly file for bankruptcy. We attempted to join the Goddesses as a party in the initial suit under the Rules of Hylian Civil Procedure, but the Goddesses claimed divine immunity and lack of personal jurisdiction, thus joinder was denied. Therefore we have appealed to this court."

"So take me forward in time son, why are you here _today_?"

"Because, your honor, as we noted, the damages sustained by the homeowners was an act of the Goddesses—specifically the Goddesses Nayru, Farore, and Din. If they had not either intentionally flooded the world, or alternatively had they not negligently allowed such an event to occur, then these damages would not have been sustained. We therefore contend that the Goddesses are liable to us in order to compensate our company for the full value of all insurance policies of the Castleton Homeowners Association."

Error's eyes narrowed, "So your claim is that the Goddesses were either negligent or that they committed an intentional tort which caused an economic loss, correct?"

"Yes, your honor."

Error nodded, "Alright, I've heard enough from you. Sit yourself down," He pointed to the three gleaming females perched indignantly at the other table. "Shiny-ladies—go. Talk to me."

The tall slender one gleaming in blue light—Nayru the Goddess of Wisdom—stood and addressed Error. "Judge Error, this mere…_mortal_…doesn't have the faintest idea of what he's talking about. Yes we did indeed flood the entirety of your world, but it was surely the fault of mortals—not Goddesses. Do we even need to remind everybody that all of Hyrule allowed the demon Ganon to destroy the land and freely exterminate all in his path? If by some fluke you hold that we are negligent, then we claim the defense of _contributory_ negligence—for surely you mortals are at even greater fault in allowing Ganon to grow so powerful. So powerful, in fact, that we had no other choice but to flood our very creation. We were, after all, doing civilization a favor. Certainly, it was not a clean solution. Yes, ninety-five percent of all life was exterminated, and yes…Ganon in fact lived despite the flood…but such sacrifices have to be made when trying to govern a creation as inherently incompetent as mortals."

Farore, the muscular Goddess of Courage radiating green, impetuously interrupted her more measured sister. "Secondly, how can we be tried here to begin with? You have no personal jurisdiction here—a concept that only has relevance in cases between mortals. We are _Goddesses_."

The round, short, and fiery Din, Goddess of Power, interjected—slamming clenched fists on their table, "Finally, we have immunity. We _are _Goddesses. Most of your earthly governments enjoy immunity from prosecution. So too, should those who govern the entire cosmos."

Judge Error raised his hand, "Divine or sovereign immunity is not a complete defense. You have to establish that you were acting in your professional capacity as Goddesses which, according to blue's testimony over there, has yet to be established. I am dismissing your claimed privilege of immunity. Now, regarding personal jurisdiction, this court has held in the International Boot case that the test for determining personal jurisdiction is that of minimum contacts with the locality. So I ask you, did you create Hyrule?"

"Well…" the Goddesses collectively stammered.

"Or do you mean to imply that the universe came into existence through some laughably improbable circumstance involving highly compressed matter experiencing so much heat and pressure that it suddenly expands outward at the speed of light?"

Din sneered in her disturbingly androgynous baritone, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course we created it—" Nayru cut off her rather boisterous sister by promptly elbowing her side.

"If that's the case, as you've just conceded, then you definitely satisfy the minimum contacts test enough to be subject to jurisdiction of this court. In other words, ladies, sit your godly asses down."

The Goddesses collectively scoffed.

"Now, ladies," Error continued, "Your main argument is that you were forced to flood all of Hyrule because of the demonic entity known as Ganon. Is Ganon in the courtroom today? Did he answer summons?"

The Bailiff shook his head.

"So, even though the Goddesses concede they have flooded Hyrule, we cannot produce or independently prove that this Ganon actually existed."

"Of course we can!" Farore snapped.

"How?" Error inquired incredulously.

"Well…" Farore muttered, "We could if we could obtain the evidence…"

"And why can't you obtain the evidence?"

"…Because it's under water…"

"I see."

Mustache stirred, "Your honor, if I could—"

Error turned around, "If you think you can do a better job, son, go right ahead. Otherwise, sit your ass down and shut up!"

Emasculated, Mustache slumped back into his chair.

Error threw up his hands and spun around in his chair, "The question I have for you ladies is if you are as divine and powerful as you so claim, why the hell couldn't you have just struck Ganon with lightning—or you know, have the moon fall on him? Or couldn't you have figured out a solution that didn't require the eradication of almost all life on the planet?"

The Goddesses merely scratched their heads before Nayru mumbled to Farore, "Told you we should've gone with the moon—" until Farore dug her elbow into Nayru's rib cage.

Error continued, "It seems to me if you _are_ Goddesses, and you are acting in the capacity of Goddesses, then you'd act as smart as your omniscience suggests. Failing to exercise such intelligence arises to the level of negligence."

"Negligence!" Din thundered in her deepest she-man voice. "We are _Goddesses_. Everything goes according to a divine and perfect plan! We _cannot_ be negligent!"

Error yawned and stretched his arms above his head, "I hereby rule that the defendant-Goddesses in this case are awarded the status of heinous-bitches. I also rule that they be given divine probation until such time that the Castleton County board of examiners sees fit to allow you to reassume your divine powers."

"You can't do this Judge Error!" Farore snapped. "How do you intend to enforce such a preposterous notion, we have our powers after all!"

Error shrugged, "The probation has instantaneous legal effect." He muttered as the Goddesses all tried—and failed—to telekinetically strangle the jurist.

"Y-y-y-y-our honor…?" Mustache whimpered, "U-h-h-h, what about the d-d-d-damages?"

"Yup, the damages…while I sympathize with your claim you brought it ten years too late and is thus barred by statute of limitations."

"But…but…but…it's ten years too late because all of Hyrule was submerged _underwater_."

Error shook his head, "Nobody's above the law."

[*]

**Author's Note: Somebody made a bet with me that I couldn't write a legal story involving the Legend of Zelda. I aim to collect on said bet today. It's a bit dense because it's written for a lawyer. This was intended to be a one-shot, but I have some other ideas for court cases if people are interested in this continuing. "Mustache" was a character used in one of my other stories, **_**Nominative Determinism**_**, and I make a few references to that story in this one. Don't forget to check out one of my other stories, **_**Altruistic Deicide**_**. I'm looking for a qualified Beta reader if there are any takers. Anyway, tell me what you think and thanks for reading.**


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